windows of the soul (the girl with the orange lips)

Tears are a touchable emotion when I consider all from the past,
Those I have loved, those I never realised loved me,
And those that make me weep in loss and frustration,
There have been so many, so many roses, black roses hung low,
Over open graves of sorrow and despair, and here I sit,
Alone,
Like death itself reaping the souls I have destroyed,
Watching them bloom and grow, just memories now,
Faded like lithographs, remember me,
And persecution to see my own future blossom and flower,
Like a blood soaked rose, open and reach the moon,
And see what could have been, such beauty, such desire,
All ignored in arrogance, in nihilism, mediocrity and audacity.

Now when I think of you, your beauty, your soul, and you,
It makes me weep in frustration at myself, at my loss,
At my own crapulence, how I met you, and lost you,
How you opened my being, breathed air into me, and I suffocated myself,
And lost everything, and now my future is the result of the crystalline past,
Alone,
All I can see is what could be, of how yellow, how red, the girl with the orange lips,
But here it is blacks, purples, violets and shadows,
All lost in the delicate colours of darkness, my refugee where I exists, barely,
So many visions of what could have been, so many beautiful painful scars of life,
Ignored and battered, desolately ignored from you, incandescent gorgeousness,
That has made me what I am, what I have created, what I have become,
A soul lost in endless parades, in my own past.

And now on this rainy afternoon, grey and lifeless with nothing,
I see all these faces, all the different things, the goddesses I destroyed,
Broken wings, tears, and how they have rebuilt, found joy and peace,
And I still here, still the same, no different, nothing; this is what I have created,
Nothing and alone,
My gift is to see what could be, to see my own future as it could be,
To realise my own pride, my own prejudice, my own arrogance, my own stupidity,
What I have lost, the life that could be there, nobody to rile against but my own soul,
I created this, I created you and I destroyed you, and I see you rebuilt and happy,
Evolution of life created out of destruction and petulance,
And no, now I see what could have been; now I see the chances and the love offered,
And by me alone rejected, ignored, sneered at, destroyed and ultimately I left broken,
Laying naked on the floor, out of everything, way to late now.

Everything I have destroyed, but most of all, my life, love and future.

15/5/09